David Muir: It’s an honor for me to be here in Heaven. My first question is this: Why has it taken so long for you to grant an interview? I mean, you ascended to Heaven almost 2,000 years ago.
Jesus: Well, the media is simply so dishonest. So dishonest. For example, we let a few reporters in here once—it’s rare, but some do make it up here—one of the first things they did was report that we had kicked Martin Luther King out of his mansion here. I mean, are you kidding me? Of course, it was totally untrue.
David Muir: Now, sir, let me ask you about your feeding of the multitudes during your sermons, as recorded in the Gospels. It’s said that somehow you fed on one occasion, four thousand people, and on another occasion five thousand people… all with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish. Now, how is that even possible? Were there really that many people there at either event?
Jesus: Of course there were. Probably more. Maybe eight, nine, ten thousand at each. They were huge. And there was so much love in those crowds. Let me tell you. And it was a miracle… OK… that’s how they were all fed. And there were even more people watching from the hills, so it was probably the biggest religious rally ever… See, this is the problem. The press demeaned the size of the crowds I got. In fact, they tell me that the press didn’t even cover my entry into Jerusalem, when thousands and thousands of people turned out to throw palm branches down under the feet of the donkey I was riding on. Just so much love in the crowds….
David Muir: Well, if you were really this popular, sir, why did the crowd side with releasing Barabbas instead of you when Pontius Pilate gave them a choice?
Jesus: We’re going to look into that…. There was a lot of fraud, I can tell you that. A lot of fraud. There were people in that crowd who weren’t even legitimate Roman subjects… maybe three to five thousand. And they weren’t yelling for Jesus of Nazareth, I can tell you that.
David Muir: The Gospels say that you raised three people from the dead: Lazarus, the daughter of Jairus, and the son of the widow at Nain. That’s all well and good. But my question is, why did you let them die in the first place? I mean, a lot of people were hurt by your inaction: family, friends, the dead people themselves. Can you explain why you were so insensitive?
Jesus: David, I can’t believe you are asking me this.
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David Muir: What about all the people who spoke against you during your ministry? Those who opposed you during your time as a man on earth. The Pharisees, especially. Could you hear their voices? Shouldn’t you have taken into account their concerns as well?
Jesus: David, I love everyone. But I came to speak truth to power. As I have said: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”
David Muir: Sir, with all due respect, that is divisive rhetoric. And you indeed did speak out harshly during your time on earth against the Pharisees… and against those who harm children, for example—you said that it were, quote, “better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Don’t you think that this kind of talk just angers people and makes things worse?
Jesus: David, I mean, I know you’re a sophisticated guy. The world is a mess. The world is as angry as it gets. What? You think this is gonna cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place.
David Muir: My final question. And it’s about salvation. Now, evangelist Joel Osteen has promised that everyone is going to be saved. Everyone is covered. Can you assure me that with the salvation plan you propose, that not one person will be left out? Because many who are watching this right now are worried. Can you assure them that they will not lose their salvation or end up with anything less?
Jesus: Well, David, this one will take some explanation….
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