No, not all conspiracies are hallucinations, nor are all conspiracy theorists crazy or even libertarians. Here our sensible, responsible, even somewhat boring experts present the Top Ten Conspiracy Theories that everyone can trust.
1. Hillary Clinton is a Kleptomaniac
You can see her here with her husband, after leaving Wal-Mart hiding a shoplifted ottoman in the back of her costume.
Hillary’s best-publicised attempt at grand larceny was her proposed Health Care Reform, which would have filched $13.5 billion off state taxpayers in 1993 and $38.3 billion in 2003. Its successor, ObamaCare, according to reported projections from the Congressional Budget Office, will cost nearly $2 trillion over a decade or $50,000 for every participant. Hand over your wallet and nobody gets hurt!
2. YouTube Was a Conspiracy
Allegedly founded in 2005 by three former PayPal employees, YouTube was actually a conspiracy to drive up the salaries of career television broadcasters by showing just how stupid and talentless amateurs can be. Six months after its launch it uploaded 65,000 videos a day, made by 67% with no concept of grammar, 51% tone-deaf, 43% mental defectives, and 21% desperate to remove something from a nostril. That year the paid broadcasters saw their incomes treble.
Here we see the ringleader trying to negotiate a comeback as CNN’s anchor, the obvious space-alien Bobbie Battista.
3. Big Macs are Actually Good for You
Or at least contain less fat and fewer calories than many of the liberal chatterati’s healthy-looking sandwiches, and even less than some posh mass-market salads! Even Subway’s supposedly healthy alternatives are more calorific than the kiddies’ eternal favourite, since the multinational torpedo-meister refuses to count cheese and fattening condiments.
The burger despised by snooty leftists is also healthier than three-quarters of the meals served by Britain’s socialist National Health Service (but most NHS patients are killed off before breakfast – see Item One, ObamaCare). Maybe you really do deserve a break today!
4. The Jews Aren’t Financial Geniuses, Don’t Control Banking, Etc.
Bernard Lawrence Madoff (Jewish), is serving a maximum sentence of 150 years in a federal penitentiary after confessing to eleven counts of bungled securities fraud, wire fraud…
…mail fraud, money laundering, making false statements, perjury, theft from an employee benefit plan and false filings to the SEC, after his Ponzi scheme collapsed to the tune of nearly $65 billion (or about four months of ObamaCare—see Item One). The competent Jewish conspiracy controls comedy (viz. Stephen Colbert)
5. President Kennedy Wasn’t Killed by the CIA
It was someone else. If, as conspiracy theories show, the CIA was toppling Latino juntas for American fruit companies and elected Iranian leaders for oil conglomerates, assassinating Indochinese despots to thwart the commies, slipping LSD into school milk, plotting to make Castro’s beard fall out, instigating other wars for the US military industrial complex, botching the Bay of Pigs invasion and so forth, they would have lacked the time to kill the 35th President and probably the budget.
It could not have been the FBI either, for they were too busy wiretapping the Beatles, sending white Mormon guys to infiltrate Dr King’s inner circle, pretending to be hippies in policemen’s boots and ironing J Edgar Hoover’s tutu. The proof that neither was responsible is that JFK really died—the CIA and FBI would have botched the job. Was it the Russkies incapable of running a small business? The Mafia who could not kill a squealer without shooting up a whole pizza parlour and half of Little Italy? We think it was suicide, but covered up of course.
6. Barack Obama Began as a Conservative
True but hushed up! Soon after his birth in Kenya, his father, Osama bin Bama, took him to England where he passed the Cambridge entrance exam at age two, was feted at the Magdalene College High Table and even hosted in Oxford pubs with Britain’s greatest writers. Given an election poster by a professor running for city council, the future President said it inspired him forever after.
During his 2008 presidential bid, Senator Obama said he had also been impressed by the British academic’s other poster with the conservative slogan “No You Can’t!” but “my PR guys wanted something more upbeat.” And policies to go with it. His conservative book manuscripts, unpublished and now conveniently misplaced, were supposedly retitled “Less Mere Christianity, Dude!,” “That Hideous Strength Can Make America Great,” and children’s fiction set in Blarneya.
7. Global Warming is a Fake
Follow this carefully. Doomsaying alarmists earn big payola-grants with their Chicken Little act, and while earth has grown no warmer in the past twenty years, government and media gain power from the sensationalism. Their change-denying opponents are as surely in the pay of greedy multinationals that told us how lead made paint better, cigarettes never cause cancer and Peewee Herman was wholesome entertainment. Clearly they cannot both be right? Well that is what they all want us to think!
Scientists for fifty years, on either side, told us to swop butter for nasty margarine and now they confess they were wrong. Lobbyists on both sides fib as fast as they can spin. Neither group knows squat. So what do they want? Attention, and if they did they not look and sound so revolting they would be twerking on Youtube. Both are on the same side of the conspiracy—stop paying attention.
8. Zombies are Coming to Get Us
Think a moment—zombies were supposedly alive, then they died and now they are back? But they are really stupid, inarticulate and slow. Whatever you do, you cannot kill them. The flesh hangs limply off their reanimated corpses but they allegedly have the strength of multitudes. They want to either kill us all, or turn living, loving, thinking humans into monsters like them. Really? We are asked to believe that such irrational and disgusting creatures really exist!
Then again, maybe it is true. And Geraldo Rivera, around forever, was a firebrand leftist in the drug-crazed 1960s, then resurrected as a cheesy talk-show host in the Disco Age and now unborn-again as a highly-paid, celebrity, right-wing extremist on Fox News! And look at the whole Bush family who never die. Yes, there may be something to this zombie-thing.
9. The Dinosaur Extinction
One of the biggest cover-ups ever. We are told that the earth’s biggest creatures died out swiftly because an asteroid struck and its dust plunged the world into darkness; or carbon dioxide from volcanoes turned the seas acidic as man-made global warming may do; or tiny new mammals scooted between their massive legs and ate all their food. Conflicting explanations show just how desperate the conspirators are.
It was choice. The carnivores became vegetarians on principle and starved. The herbivores stopped mating because a cuter triceratops might lumber along in a few minutes, even a same-sex one. The omnivores had abortions so they could migrate to the Gondwanaland coast, work as baristas and find fulfilment. Soon there were none left.
10. The End of Osama bin Laden
Directing terror like a James Bond villain or held captive in Pakistan at Saudi insistence? Murdered in a helicopter-crashing bungle or slain fighting back? Buried at sea or chucked out over Afghan mountains? Just cut the Gordian Knot of those multiple reasons to lie!
America, Pakistan and Saudia Arabia wanted him gone for good but also forgotten, and they knew just how. They made him a Canadian citizen and moved him to Winnipeg, where he hosts a cable talk-show and writes a daily blog. The world will never hear from him again—never!
Books on the topic of this essay may be found in The Imaginative Conservative Bookstore.
I think you are inspired by Trump except that… he does not know how silly he really is!
You do realize every one of these is not a “conspiracy theory” but a true fact. Especially the one about Zombie Politicians.
(Riffing on Alex Jones is cool, but as Sam Clements when his wife tried cussing to shame him out of it, “You have all the words right, but I can tell your heart isn’t in it.” Or something like.)