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As newly-reelected US President Barack Obama calls for bipartisanship to avoid the so-called “fiscal cliff,” a more possible example seems to be emerging in Middle Earth, where parties warring for eons are uniting against a common foe.

“In the last 48 hours thousands of orcs and various daemons have pledged loyalty to the Common Front commanded by elves and hobbits,” reports TIC’s Middle Earth correspondent Sheila Baggins. “Gollum has reportedly been offered a role leading an infantry battalion of dwarves, and even the modern-day pretender to Mordor, “Chuck” Sauron Jr., may back the assault, saying “Screw the rings, baby, this really matters.”

“Nietzsche aside, this is almost Beyond Good and Evil,” she continues, describing a combined Middle Earth attack on humans that TIC’s columnar strategists say may be beyond stopping.

What Middle Earth leaders of all political complexions call “a vile provocation that must be avenged,” a human movie company, Warner Brothers, have created online gambling sites which the Tolkien Estate and HarperCollins publishers say constitute unauthorised merchandising of the forthcoming film “The Hobbit.” The litigants demand $80 million for what they say damages the image of the J.R.R. Tolkien epics “The Lord of the Rings” and “The Hobbit,” plus a court injunction stopping the inappropriate marketing.

The author’s estate claims “the association between Tolkien and gambling to have caused ‘irreparable harm to Tolkien’s legacy and reputation and the valuable goodwill generated by his works’. They also describe the games as ‘morally questionable,’” reports The Daily Telegraph from London.

TIC’s Sheila Baggins continues: “Middle Earth politics makes strange bedfellows. Even the evil forces of Mordor apparently recognise that this gambling is crass materialism, which demeans the real evil that they represent together with humans in the North Korean Government, the Ford Foundation, America’s Neo-Conservatives, Islamist terrorists and a few others chiefly in media. So a unified Middle Earth prepares to invade to assist the good human brothers and sisters of hobbits, elves and dwarves in the Tolkien Estate, their publishers, and a handful of beleaguered but imaginative conservatives.”

Pentagon spokesmen unofficially dismiss any military threat from Middle Earth as “something that General Petraeus or Batman could vanquish single-handedly, although both superheroes are otherwise engaged.” However other military sources note a build-up of US materialist forces around Hollywood, where Middle Earth troops may break through to the planet’s surface.

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will reportedly not visit Middle Earth to head off the invasion, because “she is already scheduled to visit Narnia to oppose sexism, and The Land of Oz to complain about underpriced exports by Munchkin industrialists.”

Known human allies of Middle Earth have been unavailable for comment, including Professor Brad Birzer, a historian at a Mid-Western college. His family said he had gone to Wal-Mart “to sharpen his collection of elven blades.”

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1 reply to this post
  1. Yes, I saw him, making furtive movements down side isles during the Cyber Monday sale. I couldn't catch up, because of the massive crowd of four hundred pound walmartians, but the last place I saw him was at a checkout counter displaying a very small sign: "Sanctifying Myths 1/2 off."

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